Womanhood Series-Final Week: My Testimony-Redemption From Suicide
Updated: Sep 30, 2019
In this last blog of the Womanhood Series, I wanted to share my testimony with you. I'm doing this to encourage you and remind you of God’s unconditional, redemptive love.
I grew up in a Christian home, so Jesus was apart of my daily life. We woke up at 6 a.m. every morning for family prayers. We prayed every night as a family, and going to church was inevitable. During this time, I always thought that I was "covered". I’m sure many of you know what I’m talking about. It was simple- my mother was "saved", so in my mind I was "saved". I thought that I was 100% protected and 100% in God's good graces. I never once thought that about having my own relationship with God.
This all changed when I left home for college.
I thought at the time,"If I'm leaving home, why not take God with me, right?"It was a fool-proof plan. So, I made the decision to develop my own relationship with Jesus. I wish I could say that after I made that decision everything was great in my life, but it wasn't. It was far from it. In fact, after I made the decision, it seemed as though everything (and some) had gone wrong. It was like the enemy just came at me, full force.
I began to have mind battles out of nowhere, and my thoughts would literally torment me day and night. It was so unbearable that I wasn't getting any sleep, and the more I tried to ignore it, the louder the voices became. I constantly heard voices telling me to kill myself. I was told that I wasn’t worthy to be alive and that God didn’t care about me. It was like my mind wasn't my own anymore, and I recall one specific occasion when I had had enough. It all became too much for me. I was at home for the Easter holiday listening to a sermon, just desperate for some peace of mind. As soon as I started to relax, the mind battles began, like they usually did, and it seemed as though in this moment, the voices began to scream louder in my head.
I remember sitting on the bed and pulling at my hair until my eyes started to water because I felt so tormented. When I realized that this wasn't helping, I felt that I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of walking around in a daze everyday. I felt tired of seeing my bones when I looked in the mirror because of all the weight that I had lost due to depression. I also felt tired of not being able to sleep; so, I sat up, looked outside my parents' window and planned just how I would kill myself. My parents' room is two stories up, so the answer was simple- I would jump. I remember looking down at the floor below, wondering if I would even survive the jump. I wanted to end my life instantly, just so that I didn’t have to live with the consequences of my actions.
I don’t remember how long I stood there, wondering how my family would take my death, before I heard a still small voice say “Christna, don’t do it.”
As soon as I heard the voice, I broke down. I can’t even remember if anyone was in the house at the time, but I remember just crying out to God for help. I begged Him to bring me peace of mind and relief from my mind battles. I cried and cried until I felt an overwhelming sense of peace- it was literally like nothing I had ever felt before. I felt an overwhelming sense of love and I knew in that moment that it would be the last time I ever thought about taking my own life.
After that day, God told me to seek refuge through His word, and I did. I read it morning, noon and night. I wrote out scriptures and took them with me everywhere that I went, so that when the voices started, I was able to pull them out and remind myself of God’s truth. I became obsessed with God’s word because it was the only thing that brought me real and lasting peace. The more that I spent time in the word, the more that I learned about the love of God. I did this for weeks, until one day, I got up and the voices were gone. Completely gone.
As I think back now, I can’t help but cry because of the faithfulness of God. In the midst of everything that I faced- the mind battles and the depression, He was always there with me, reminding me that I would overcome. He reminded me on that day when I wanted to take my own life that it would all be apart of my testimony and here I am almost eight years later, testifying of His goodness! We serve a faithful God.
Womanhood can be hard at times. It can be confusing and messy. Life in general can sometimes feel like it's too much for one person to handle; however, just like that girl eight years ago, I’ve learned that no matter what comes, God IS here. If you don’t know God or if you haven’t been taking your relationship with Him serious, I urge you to. Today, I encourage you to begin that journey. Someone once said that the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, so today take that step towards Jesus.
[This week there is no worksheet, but if you have questions, or just want to talk about your own journey, feel free to leave them below or email me.]
I love you all!