Why Don’t I Feel Beautiful?
Why don’t I feel beautiful?
Have you ever asked yourself that question at some point in your life? I know I did. Just last week, I stood in front of my mirror looking at myself. I noticed the newest breakout that decided to show up on my face, I noticed my stomach, which I always felt looked a bit lopsided, I noticed my eyebrows, which to me, always seemed bushy and unkempt. I noticed my nose, which I always thought looked a bit too big for my face. I noticed all of these flaws and more. And as I stood in the mirror, seconds turned to minutes, and minutes to an hour. I stared and stared, hoping to see just one feature that I could be proud of.
I found none.
My first instinct was to cry. I honestly wanted to cry, and ask God why He made me the way that He did. Why is it that other girls seemed to have the perfect skin, perfect bodies, perfectly arched eyebrows, and perfectly proportioned faces, yet I was stuck with all the imperfections? I waited for the tears to break free, but they never did. Instead, I just sat on my bed, staring back at the girl I’ve looked at for 25 years, still hoping. I felt disappointed with myself because of my insecurities. I knew that God’s word says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, but at that moment, staring at myself, it was very difficult to believe. I didn’t feel like I was fearfully and wonderfully made. In fact, I felt like I was made from the left overs. After a while, I realized that sitting and staring at myself would not change how I felt, so the only thing that I knew to do at that moment was to open my Bible. Although I didn’t feel like it, I knew that in some way, I would be able to have peace when I started to pour over the scriptures.
As soon as I picked up my Bible, I thought of Songs of Solomon 4:1, and at that moment, the tears broke free.
I had never spent much time in this book, but this verse always held a special place in my heart. The New Living Translation reads, “You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.” I read the verse over and over, and I cried. I felt at that moment, that God was speaking directly to me, assuring me that I was beautiful. In fact, I was beautiful in every way. I sat on my bed, tears streaming down my face, reading and re-reading the verse until it resonated with me. I was beautiful. I am beautiful. I am beautiful in every way. I looked up at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy, and tears still streamed down my cheeks but I felt like I was no longer looking at myself through my eyes, but God’s. I was staring back into the eyes of someone loved and cherished, someone who was altogether beautiful, despite her flaws. I began to see myself in a new way; God’s way.
I wish I could say that after that moment, all of my insecurities were wiped away, but they weren’t. Some days, I still struggle with it, but I’m always reminded that I am altogether beautiful. God calls me beautiful, He knit me together in my mother’s womb; I am the apple of His eye. I pray that whenever you feel insecure, you remember the same. I pray that you see yourselves the way God sees you. In today’s culture, it’s easy to compare yourself with others, its easy to not feel beautiful because you don’t look a certain way, but you don’t have to. You are altogether beautiful. I know that it’s not always easy to believe this when everything around you is telling you otherwise, I can testify to that, but ask God to help you see yourself the way He sees you, He will do it.
Remember, you are altogether beautiful; beautiful in every way.