During my quiet time with the Lord about a week ago, I found myself following my usual devotional pattern. I prayed, asked God to speak to me through His Word, and I opened my Bible. As I read though, I kept feeling a tug on my heart for repentance. I couldn't think of anything overt in my mind that I did wrong (How prideful of me, right?), so I kept on reading. This went on for a few seconds until I felt the tugging become stronger than before. I knew there and then that I needed to close my Bible and just listen.
God immediately began speaking to my heart about my desires--the things that I've been praying about, and believing Him for. He reminded me that there is nothing wrong with having desires, but He also revealed to me that overtime, I began to focus more on having those desires than desiring Him. As I sat on my bed listening, I was confronted with the question, "Am I seeking Jesus because of what I think He can give me, or do I truly just desire Him?" I thought about this question and immediately felt a wave of grief. I grieved because deep down, I knew that yes, Jesus was my first love, but as time passed, that first love fire became dim.
In that moment, I was confronted with the fact that I had been idolizing my desires more than Jesus, and in the process, I grieved Him. Sitting on my bed, I could honestly feel the pain He felt at my waywardness, and I wept. I wept, and I repented. I have been walking with Jesus for almost ten years now, and during that time, there were many moments where I felt Jesus' heart, but in this moment, I experienced Him in a way that I never have before. It was as though He wanted me to know how my actions made Him feel, and this brought me to my knees.
After repenting and asking Him for help in this area, I knew that God wanted me to share my experience. He placed it on my heart strongly to share so that His people may examine themselves. Have you become more concerned with your own desires than strengthening your relationship with Jesus? Are you seeking Jesus' face, or just His hands? Right now, you might be aware that your priorities have shifted, or maybe, like me, you've ventured onto the wrong path and realize that God is calling you back into alignment. Wherever you are now, I encourage you to firstly repent, and then return to your first love. Return to Jesus. I chose to title this post, "Its All About Me", because God helped me to understand in that moment that I made my life all about me--my wants, my desires, my dreams, my terms. To the average person, this way of thinking is normal, but as a child of God, it's really not about us anymore, it's about Jesus. His desires, His will, His way. If we're honest, many of us don't want to hear that, but this is the reality of the gospel (Mark 8:34).
I encourage you today to ask God to make His desires your desires. This has been my prayer since having that encounter. Yes, many of my desires are still the same, because truthfully, they were given to me by God. However, the way that I view these desires have changed. I no longer place them above my desire to be with Jesus, to know Him, to grow in Him, to love Him, or to obey Him. I'm not saying that I am perfect in this; in fact, I'm far from it. However, everyday, I am praying for God to change my perspective from "It's All About Me", to "It's All About Jesus", because it truly is all about Him.